Men ‘preheated’ for sex but women warm up slowly

Know why most of men just rush for sex and ignore the vital art of whole-body lovemaking? Read on!

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Learning the reasons for this difference can help men become better lovers,” said a report published by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) – a US-based nonprofit advocacy group that helps people 50 and older improve quality of their lives.

Recent research shows that women experience libido as an urge far less compelling than that.

“A University of British Columbia survey interviewed hundreds of women who reported feeling ‘erotically neutral’ at the start of sex. Only when they started making love – and enjoyed it – did they warm up and feel actual desire,” the report added.

According to sex therapists, men become intimate to gain sex whereas women have sex to gain intimacy.

Men should try sex based on gentle, whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals but does not fixate on them.

“The genitals are important but so is every other part of women’s bodies. Men who rush into genital sex are clueless about women,” the report quoted New York sex educator Betty Dodson as saying.

TOP 5 THINGS MEN LOSE WHEN THEY COMMIT

First things first, we are not advocating lack of commitment in men here, we are simply having a man to man talk. So, let me be very clear. While long lasting relationships is a great idea, there are certain things a man definitely will lose when he commits to a woman. You’ll get your share of happiness- agreed, but there will be a lot of risks as well after you take the leap. Get it all figured out before as we tell you 5 things that men are most likely to lose after they are committed to their partner.cp.jpg

1) Your Control

This one is probably the reason why most men are not willing to commit in the first place. Perhaps you can blame the society or your family who instill fear about how a woman will come around to ‘control you.’ That said it’s not entirely untrue. From your weekend plans to vacation plans to the clothes you wear or the hairstyle you sport, a lot about how you look and where you go will now depend on what she decides.

2) Female Friends

There is no denying the fact that changes do occur in your friendships, especially female friendships when you get a girlfriend. You won’t be able to spend as much time with them, definitely not alone, as she’ll always be accompanying you. Now there may be an isolated case or two where you can keep your friendship with other women as is, but those are few and far between.

3) Your Personal Space

Generally commitment comes along with spending maximum time together, sometimes it means living together entirely as well, which of course can drastically reduce your privacy. Soon you’ll find your house in order, which you’re not used to, feminine products in the bathroom, utensils in the kitchen et al. Moreover, be ready to be bossed around – there will be a list of things that you wouldn’t’ be allowed to do. So, you might as well kiss your privacy goodbye.

4) Your Lack Of Accountability

Before commitment your actions always went unnoticed. You could do anything not having to think about what the other person feels. After commitment, you’ll have a new set of feelings which you’d have to consider always before you do anything. So, that adrenaline filled camping trips with your guys or the X-box time with your buddies during the weekends will now be like a distant dream.

5) Your Casual Fun

Casual flirting is the first thing that has to be given up when you come in a serious relationship. When it comes to commitment there are boundaries for interaction with other women. Flirting has to be measured and contained before it turns to anything scandalous; unless you want to deal with crying and broken teeth.

Sex Positions She Craves

You want to please your partner. I want to help you. (Well, not literally, but you get where this is going.) That’s why we surveyed over 1,100 women on which sex positions they wish you’d try more often. (Spoiler: Missionary came in dead last.) The poll consisted of 11 positions, and each participant was to select which three she fancied the most. As it turns out, the ladies want the same thing you do: more adventure!

Interested in what our respondents had to say? Check out the five positions that ranked the highest:

No. 1: Face-Off Position, 48 percent ranked this in their top three

How it benefits her: She’s in control of the depth, as well as the pace of the thrusts. (Bonus: You have killer access to her breasts. Utilize this.)


No. 2: G-Whiz, 32 percent ranked this in their top three

How it benefits her: When she raises her legs, it narrows her vagina—making it easier for you to target her G-Spot. 

No. 3: Upstanding Citizen, 31 percent ranked this in their top three

How it benefits her: It’s. So. Sexy. (Advice for you: Spread your thighs slightly, don’t lock your knees, and if you have a bad back—don’t attempt it. Nothing says “mood killer” like hurting yourself.)

No. 4: Flatiron, 31 percent ranked this in their top three

How it benefits her: It creates a snug fit. (Simply put: You feel larger to her in this position.)

No. 5: Stand and Deliver, 30 percent ranked this in their top three

How it benefits her: Bending at the waist tightens her vaginal walls and increases the intensity of the friction. (Want to take it up a notch? Reach around with your free hand and caress her clitoris.)

So there you have it, five woman-approved sex positions. Now go out there and see which one you and your partner like best!

Does She Deserve a Spanking?

Yes! In fact, she’s far kinkier than you think. Read on—and make her scream

We’re willing to wager that all the guys who didn’t bother to read Fifty Shades of Grey will have no problem standing in line for the film. Let’s face it: Compressing Anastasia and Christian’s freaky antics into a visual sexiest will hold male attention far longer than mere words on pages.

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But they haven’t even begun filming the whips and chains yet, so take this lull in the BDSM hype (that’s bondage, domination/discipline, sadism/submission, and masochism for you newbs) to find out if your woman truly is up for this brand of kink, and if so, how to ease yourselves into it.

Think she’ll run screaming? Not so fast. A University of Saskatchewan study found that women are quite similar to men when defining what’s normal or acceptable in bed. Plus, dabbling in kink can provide a host of bonding benefits. “BDSM challenges couples to communicate better and to be more creative,” says Richard Sprott, Ph.D, coauthor of Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities. “You imagine new ways of finding pleasure with a partner.” In fact, research suggests that merely acquainting yourselves with the core concepts of kink can heighten your sexual satisfaction. So throw on some leather and enjoy the ride.

TEST THE WATERS

You can’t just show up in the bedroom with a ball gag and chains, or you might find out the hard way that she’s a member of the “Fifty Shades of No Way!” club. Start by recalling the phenomenon created by the books. This can give you a sense of whether the idea of submission and dominance—which is the foundation of most BDSM experiences—leaves her repulsed, indifferent, or intrigued. Some experts say she will probably be intrigued because humans are hardwired to have a biological “opinion” on the matter. “A person’s preference for domination or submission is as biologically fundamental to his or her sexual identity as sexual orientation,” says Ogi Ogas, Ph.D., a cognitive neuroscientist whose book A Billion Wicked Thoughts used Internet behavioral patterns to study human desire. (See how to master your dirty talk here.)

So what do you do with that intel? Unpack it a bit. “A good way to start a conversation with a partner is with a ‘yes, no, maybe’ list,” says psychologist Meg Barker, Ph.D., a researcher at the Open University in the U.K. Lists are available on BDSM websites, or you can take a look—together—at the list on this page. Barker cites a University of New Brunswick study revealing that after 15 years together, couples knew only about 62 percent of what their partner liked in bed, and 26 percent of what their partner disliked. Whether you end up getting kinky or not, you should both find this exercise enlightening and empowering.

GIVE HER A TICKLE

If you’ve ever massaged, bitten, or scratched each other, you’ve already dipped your toe into the most basic type of kink—sensation play. “This generates a biochemical chain reaction, which creates a state similar to the glow of orgasm,” Sprott says. Being the target of someone else’s actions allows the recipient to relinquish control and enjoy the sensations.

Start with a blindfold or sleep mask, which can help you each embrace the submissive role; after all, you can’t really take control if you can’t see. It’ll help both of you focus on the sensations, stay in character, and avoid the nervous giggles, say sex writers Em & Lo, authors of 150 Shades of Play: a Beginner’s Guide to Kink and founders of EmandLo.com. After you plunge her into darkness, graze your fingers or a feather over her inner thighs, the nape of her neck, and the inner part of her forearms, Sprott says. Don’t touch her at all for 15 or 20 seconds at a time in between; this makes her anticipate where the next sensation will take place. If you both decide to inch a little closer to the pleasure/pain threshold, try nibbling her earlobes while pinching her nipples and labia.

TEST HER NERVES: Consider a Wartenberg wheel ($12, amazon.com), a popular BDSM gadget originally designed to test nerve sensitivity. (It looks like a tiny pizza cutter—with spikes.) A little pain from this guy can equal a lot of pleasure.

CRANK THE SPANK

Bare buttocks simply scream to be spanked, but if either of you swings too hard your first time at bat, the move may be summarily ejected from your kink repertoire. That’d be a pity, because spanking can hurt so good. “When you’re spanked, flogged, or caned, it feels awesome and for some may actually be a pain reliever,” says sex writer Reverend Jen Miller, the author ofBDSM 101. “It’s certainly easier to get than Percocet.”

She may balk at first, so ease into it. Janet Hardy, coauthor of The Ethical Slut, recommends starting gently with your open hand, which offers a wide range of sensations, has a built-in feedback mechanism, and feels more intimate than implements. “For most recipients, the lower inner quadrant of the buttocks is the sweet spot—it shares a nerve group with the genitals,” she says. Don’t assume you can just spank her during intercourse and that’s enough to turn her on. You’ll add to the spanking experience if you actually have her over your knee. “Start very slowly with light smacks that just barely sting, and build gradually,” Hardy says. If she’s enjoying the experience, her breathing should sound smooth and sexy and her butt should be pushing up toward the spanker’s hand instead of flinching.

RESTRAIN YOURSELVES

Next, tie the knot, so to speak. Some people want to be tied up so they can feel controlled. Some enjoy being teased and denied. The appeal for the dominant player, of course, is being in control. Just don’t try gleaning any tips about tie-ups from Fifty Shades—it’s full of dubious practices that make BDSM pros wince. For instance, using cable ties as wrist restraints is a really bad idea, say Em & Lo. Some other bad ideas: leaving your partner alone while bound, tying her up in a way that restricts circulation, or putting something over her nose and mouth and obstructing her breathing. Don’t do those things.

Instead, start out by loosely tying her wrists, and maybe her ankles, with something that won’t be abrasive to her skin, such as silk scarves or ties, and watch that they don’t become too tight. “Keep that first session short, and make sure you take the time to get some feedback about how you both felt about it,” says sex educator Jazz Goldman. There are fleece-lined wrist cuffs (that attach with buckles), bondage tape, over-the-door suspension cuffs, or under-the-bed restraints that can be employed when the mood strikes. All of these items can be purchased at no scarier a place than Amazon.

ADD CONTROL: Rope is a mainstay of bondage apparel, with true aficionados responding to both the look and feel of it. But instead of rooting around in the garage, invest in some Japanese silk rope ($14, amazon.com) that will do the job without irritating skin. Once you’ve explored tying or being tied up and liked it, you might want to try spreader bars—bondage equipment that enables you to both restrain and raunchily position your partner in a way that gives you unfettered access to, well, whatever you’d like.

PUT ON AN ACT

Role playing is a great kink-starter as well. But unless you were a drama major, pretending to be someone else is going to make you feel silly and require you to suspend your disbelief. That can be tough, but not as tough as you might think. “It’s much easier to lose your inhibitions when you’re pretending to be someone else,” says the Kinsey Institute’s Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., MH‘s relationships advisor. “The real benefit here is that role playing can be a gateway into sex play you might not otherwise try.”

Skip the elaborate script and period garb and make it easy on yourself. For instance, you could arrange to meet at a nightclub that neither of you has been to before, Herbenick suggests. Arrive in clothes you haven’t seen on each other, and after some fleeting eye contact, start chatting as if you were perfect strangers just starting to flirt with each other. From there you can take it in any direction you want. Perhaps one of you can play hard to get while the other portrays the wolfish seducer. You can be an entirely different person, exaggerate a specific facet of your actual personality, or just reconnect with the feeling of meeting your partner for the first time.

ACT UP: If after tinkering with different scenarios you find that you like role play, try one in which the dominant and submissive parts are explicit. “The classic is the master/slave scenario, in which one partner surrenders free will to the other,” Herbenick says. If you’re feeling a bit sheepish about where to begin, you can always let fate decide: The Fantasy Sex Deck ($25, amazon.com) has 50 cards that each feature a role-playing scenario. Pick a card and be someone else for an hour or two—or forever, for that matter. After all, maybe the real, kinkier you has been aching to get out! (And when you’re done being naughty, be nice by Buy Her Jewelry She’ll Love.)

6 Sex Mistakes You’re Making

Want to have more sex? Make it about discovery again. Bust out of your romance rut and jumpstart your sex life by breaking these six relationship routines.

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SEX IS A RACE

Break it: Explore her. Focus on her thighs and lower belly. Make a mental circle 2 inches around the outside of her vagina, and don’t cross the line while you kiss, lick, and caress, says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., author ofDifferent Loving. You’ll ignite her nerve endings and bring her close to her red zone. It makes sex about discovery, not some destination. “Goal-oriented sex isn’t sexy,” Brame says.

SAME TIME, SAME PLACE

Break it: Relive the past. Take her to the garage and reclaim the space you long ago ceded: Seduce her in the backseat of the car. It feels a little public, it’s steeped in testosterone, and there’s a throwback, high-school quality to it. Make it a quickie, which has its place in the sexual diet; having lots of sex begets more sex, because you stay connected, says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago.

PREDICTABLE FOREPLAY

Break it: Work out together. Think of it as fat-burning foreplay. It will raise her dopamine levels, easing her anxieties. “She’ll feel the sex is about her and not some random need she has to accommodate,” says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at Washington University. Bonus: Your post-run sweat has androstadienone,  a testosterone derivative that spikes her arousal when she smells it.

LOPSIDED FIRST MOVES

Break it: Tie her hands. It’s now up to her to figure out how to remove your shirt, tie, cuff links, and pants. You’ll share a few laughs and marvel at her ingenuity. Whether you tie her up or she binds you,  the game will break your predictable, first-move habits. The bonus: “It acts as an automatic foreplay extender,” says Berman.

TV, THEN SEX

Break it: Read to her. It doesn’t have to be erotica. It’s an intimate activity that makes her focus on your voice. The deeper, the better. Low voices are a sign of high testosterone, which ups her attraction to you, according to a Scottish study. Read lying in bed with your head up, to dip an octave; it forces you to push air with your diaphragm instead of your lungs.

HABITUAL HAND HOLDING

Break it: Caress her neck. Sure, holding hands can work as an aphrodisiac: It shows her you’re devoted and proud to tell the world. But after a while, its poignancy wanes. A stepped-up PDA will deepen her connection to you, so she’ll be more willing to really give herself to you in the bedroom, says Schwartz.

 

Bring Spice Back In Your Sex Life

Sex can become dull and monotonous if you don’t keep the spark alive and the spontaneity flowing. Let me tell you the various things that women like and dislike in bed.

Use these 10 very useful tips and keep the passion flowing through your relationship.

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1. Go the extra mile

If you get into bed every night and she knows what is going to happen, how dull can that be! Change the routine because routine is boring. Go the extra mile and please her. Spend more time on her than usual. Go down on her, kiss her everywhere, and make it more about her than you. Surprise her and you will reap the benefits as well.



2. Be spontaneous

If you are in bed, or even prior to going to bed, don’t ask her for ‘permission’ to have sex. What a way to turn her off! Show her you want to have sex. Don’t force yourself on her, turn her on instead. Maybe that means kissing her on the back or the neck. Find out what gives you permission without actually asking it.



3. Get busy anywhere

Variety is the key to a successful sex life. Use the kitchen floor, the stairs, the shower, the couch and even the dining table! Making love in different places adds variety.



4. Try out new sex positions

Get Kamasutra savvy. Shun the missionary style, experiment with different sex positions like the doggy style, woman on top and many more, which will not only stir up your sex life but also help your woman orgasm better.



5. Share a fantasy

Not only can curiosity be sexy, it also has the power to shift your relationship, from being boring to exiting. Too many people have ‘psychic sex,’ they think they know what the other person wants, when often they may be hiding the same desires. Talk it out then act it out!



6. Get the romance back

Women love romance. You don’t have to cook a 3 course meal, or buy her sexy lingerie, romance can be as simple as telling your girl that she is beautiful, or bringing a bottle of wine home and taking time out for the both of you. Suggest a walk together, or a bath. Romance is so diverse. Surprise her. If you never take a walk together, suggest going for a walk and finish it with a glass of wine or coffee, whatever suits you both.



7. Experiment with your girl

Whatever you do don’t go through the motions when having sex. Don’t be afraid to try things out with her. Ask her what she likes, what positions she prefers, what fantasies she has, what she likes you doing to her. Talking about your sex life is a great way to make sure it doesn’t go downhill.



8. Tell her – You love it!

Make sure you let her know that you are enjoying having sex with her. Keep touching and kissing her, let her know that you are into her. Whisper in her ear how beautiful she is. If she isn’t used to this, it is sure to send shivers down her spine.



9. Moan & murmur

Make noises as well. If you aren’t comfortable making noises, start out softly. This will show her you are enjoying every moment; it will arouse her more and may also encourage her to make noises as well.



10. Ignore the clock

Stop viewing sex as a night time activity; you may be too tired to do it then anyway. Make a date, take time off your work and plan to meet at home in the afternoon, for a session of hot steamy sex. This will add some much needed spice in you love life. Making love at night time just becomes monotonous. Variety is the spice of a great sex life!