Does She Deserve a Spanking?

Yes! In fact, she’s far kinkier than you think. Read on—and make her scream

We’re willing to wager that all the guys who didn’t bother to read Fifty Shades of Grey will have no problem standing in line for the film. Let’s face it: Compressing Anastasia and Christian’s freaky antics into a visual sexiest will hold male attention far longer than mere words on pages.

spanking
But they haven’t even begun filming the whips and chains yet, so take this lull in the BDSM hype (that’s bondage, domination/discipline, sadism/submission, and masochism for you newbs) to find out if your woman truly is up for this brand of kink, and if so, how to ease yourselves into it.

Think she’ll run screaming? Not so fast. A University of Saskatchewan study found that women are quite similar to men when defining what’s normal or acceptable in bed. Plus, dabbling in kink can provide a host of bonding benefits. “BDSM challenges couples to communicate better and to be more creative,” says Richard Sprott, Ph.D, coauthor of Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities. “You imagine new ways of finding pleasure with a partner.” In fact, research suggests that merely acquainting yourselves with the core concepts of kink can heighten your sexual satisfaction. So throw on some leather and enjoy the ride.

TEST THE WATERS

You can’t just show up in the bedroom with a ball gag and chains, or you might find out the hard way that she’s a member of the “Fifty Shades of No Way!” club. Start by recalling the phenomenon created by the books. This can give you a sense of whether the idea of submission and dominance—which is the foundation of most BDSM experiences—leaves her repulsed, indifferent, or intrigued. Some experts say she will probably be intrigued because humans are hardwired to have a biological “opinion” on the matter. “A person’s preference for domination or submission is as biologically fundamental to his or her sexual identity as sexual orientation,” says Ogi Ogas, Ph.D., a cognitive neuroscientist whose book A Billion Wicked Thoughts used Internet behavioral patterns to study human desire. (See how to master your dirty talk here.)

So what do you do with that intel? Unpack it a bit. “A good way to start a conversation with a partner is with a ‘yes, no, maybe’ list,” says psychologist Meg Barker, Ph.D., a researcher at the Open University in the U.K. Lists are available on BDSM websites, or you can take a look—together—at the list on this page. Barker cites a University of New Brunswick study revealing that after 15 years together, couples knew only about 62 percent of what their partner liked in bed, and 26 percent of what their partner disliked. Whether you end up getting kinky or not, you should both find this exercise enlightening and empowering.

GIVE HER A TICKLE

If you’ve ever massaged, bitten, or scratched each other, you’ve already dipped your toe into the most basic type of kink—sensation play. “This generates a biochemical chain reaction, which creates a state similar to the glow of orgasm,” Sprott says. Being the target of someone else’s actions allows the recipient to relinquish control and enjoy the sensations.

Start with a blindfold or sleep mask, which can help you each embrace the submissive role; after all, you can’t really take control if you can’t see. It’ll help both of you focus on the sensations, stay in character, and avoid the nervous giggles, say sex writers Em & Lo, authors of 150 Shades of Play: a Beginner’s Guide to Kink and founders of EmandLo.com. After you plunge her into darkness, graze your fingers or a feather over her inner thighs, the nape of her neck, and the inner part of her forearms, Sprott says. Don’t touch her at all for 15 or 20 seconds at a time in between; this makes her anticipate where the next sensation will take place. If you both decide to inch a little closer to the pleasure/pain threshold, try nibbling her earlobes while pinching her nipples and labia.

TEST HER NERVES: Consider a Wartenberg wheel ($12, amazon.com), a popular BDSM gadget originally designed to test nerve sensitivity. (It looks like a tiny pizza cutter—with spikes.) A little pain from this guy can equal a lot of pleasure.

CRANK THE SPANK

Bare buttocks simply scream to be spanked, but if either of you swings too hard your first time at bat, the move may be summarily ejected from your kink repertoire. That’d be a pity, because spanking can hurt so good. “When you’re spanked, flogged, or caned, it feels awesome and for some may actually be a pain reliever,” says sex writer Reverend Jen Miller, the author ofBDSM 101. “It’s certainly easier to get than Percocet.”

She may balk at first, so ease into it. Janet Hardy, coauthor of The Ethical Slut, recommends starting gently with your open hand, which offers a wide range of sensations, has a built-in feedback mechanism, and feels more intimate than implements. “For most recipients, the lower inner quadrant of the buttocks is the sweet spot—it shares a nerve group with the genitals,” she says. Don’t assume you can just spank her during intercourse and that’s enough to turn her on. You’ll add to the spanking experience if you actually have her over your knee. “Start very slowly with light smacks that just barely sting, and build gradually,” Hardy says. If she’s enjoying the experience, her breathing should sound smooth and sexy and her butt should be pushing up toward the spanker’s hand instead of flinching.

RESTRAIN YOURSELVES

Next, tie the knot, so to speak. Some people want to be tied up so they can feel controlled. Some enjoy being teased and denied. The appeal for the dominant player, of course, is being in control. Just don’t try gleaning any tips about tie-ups from Fifty Shades—it’s full of dubious practices that make BDSM pros wince. For instance, using cable ties as wrist restraints is a really bad idea, say Em & Lo. Some other bad ideas: leaving your partner alone while bound, tying her up in a way that restricts circulation, or putting something over her nose and mouth and obstructing her breathing. Don’t do those things.

Instead, start out by loosely tying her wrists, and maybe her ankles, with something that won’t be abrasive to her skin, such as silk scarves or ties, and watch that they don’t become too tight. “Keep that first session short, and make sure you take the time to get some feedback about how you both felt about it,” says sex educator Jazz Goldman. There are fleece-lined wrist cuffs (that attach with buckles), bondage tape, over-the-door suspension cuffs, or under-the-bed restraints that can be employed when the mood strikes. All of these items can be purchased at no scarier a place than Amazon.

ADD CONTROL: Rope is a mainstay of bondage apparel, with true aficionados responding to both the look and feel of it. But instead of rooting around in the garage, invest in some Japanese silk rope ($14, amazon.com) that will do the job without irritating skin. Once you’ve explored tying or being tied up and liked it, you might want to try spreader bars—bondage equipment that enables you to both restrain and raunchily position your partner in a way that gives you unfettered access to, well, whatever you’d like.

PUT ON AN ACT

Role playing is a great kink-starter as well. But unless you were a drama major, pretending to be someone else is going to make you feel silly and require you to suspend your disbelief. That can be tough, but not as tough as you might think. “It’s much easier to lose your inhibitions when you’re pretending to be someone else,” says the Kinsey Institute’s Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., MH‘s relationships advisor. “The real benefit here is that role playing can be a gateway into sex play you might not otherwise try.”

Skip the elaborate script and period garb and make it easy on yourself. For instance, you could arrange to meet at a nightclub that neither of you has been to before, Herbenick suggests. Arrive in clothes you haven’t seen on each other, and after some fleeting eye contact, start chatting as if you were perfect strangers just starting to flirt with each other. From there you can take it in any direction you want. Perhaps one of you can play hard to get while the other portrays the wolfish seducer. You can be an entirely different person, exaggerate a specific facet of your actual personality, or just reconnect with the feeling of meeting your partner for the first time.

ACT UP: If after tinkering with different scenarios you find that you like role play, try one in which the dominant and submissive parts are explicit. “The classic is the master/slave scenario, in which one partner surrenders free will to the other,” Herbenick says. If you’re feeling a bit sheepish about where to begin, you can always let fate decide: The Fantasy Sex Deck ($25, amazon.com) has 50 cards that each feature a role-playing scenario. Pick a card and be someone else for an hour or two—or forever, for that matter. After all, maybe the real, kinkier you has been aching to get out! (And when you’re done being naughty, be nice by Buy Her Jewelry She’ll Love.)

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Top Ten Signs You’ve Found The One!

Wonder if he or she is the one in your life? While there isn’t a fool-proof test to ascertain that, there are a few signs you can watch out for….

Marriage78753

Wonder if he or she is the one in your life? While there isn’t a fool-proof test to ascertain that, there are a few signs you can watch out for…

Looking into the future.

If you’re trying to figure out if you have found ‘the one’, take a look at this list. If you can tick against all the items below, then give that relationship a chance to become all that it possibly can.

Ten signs you have found ‘the one’:

1. When the time is right!

For many, relationships are fraught with obstacles. There is always something that keeps them from enjoying it the way it is. It might be a stressful job or lack of money. And both people in the relationship feel when the problem is resolved, they’ll be truly happy together. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.

When you’ve met the one, you’ll embrace each other no matter what the situation. A happy well-adjusted couple doesn’t have to chase what should or could be. The two will share a comfort level that enables them to support each other through a crisis rather than wait upon it to resolve to be content together.

2. You are comfortable being you.

You know you have met the one when your partner loves you for exactly what and who you are. When there is complete acceptance of each other, the relationship is more fulfilling. This doesn’t mean one condones bad behaviour or such.

So if the person isn’t critical of your every move, and if you are comfortable just being you when you’re around the person – it’s a sign that he/she is worth spending your life together.

3. Open communication.

Let’s look at a hypothetical situation to illustrate this: There are two couples, couple X and couple Y. Both these couples have been together for the same amount of time. Couple X has frequent conflict, couple Y has never had one. Who among the two has a healthy relationship? If you’re answer was couple Y, you’re wrong. It’s impossible for two people who’re together to have no conflict at all. In the case of couple Y, it’s most likely that one or both partners is not forthcoming about problems. The needs of one or both partners isn’t being voiced and hence not addressed.

So how you communicate your needs and manage conflict is a significant pointer.

4. There’s no relationship anxiety.

If you find yourself constantly worrying about insignificant things in the relationship, then stop and introspect. When you’ve met the one, there is less anxiety about the relationship.

5. Trust your gut.

Examine your true feeling. How do you feel when you are around him or her? If you’re at ease and truly feel he’s the one, then go for it. Listen to your gut, and you’ll know whether this one is for keeps.

6. There is no drama.

If he/she is the one, it doesn’t mean you have to be perfect together. Rather look at conflict when it arises and try to make the relationship work. When in conflict, how do you two deal with it? Is there a lot of yelling and shouting or do you hear each other out and acknowledge one another’s feelings? If there is drama, there is manipulation, abuse and the kind. It’s best to re-examine your relationship before you fully commit, if this is the case.

7. Your closed ones see what you see!

If the people who love you are asking you to get away from him/her, then you might want to take a second look. Sometimes, however, your friends/family might push for a relationship that you have no interest in. In such cases, it’s not wise to follow their lead.

8. You remain a priority in your life.

If you find yourself changing your priorities in life to accommodate that person, it shows that you’re undermining your own importance and needs. This could well amount to you getting carried away in the relationship you are in. In the long term, this just won’t work. You know the person is for keeps, when you remain a priority in your life while you’re in the relationship. And how does he/she feel about it? This one is also about whether you – personally — are ready for a long-term relationship.

9. The compatibility factor.

It’s true that opposites attract, however, such relationships don’t stand the test of time. What matters most in a long-term — committed relationship — is compatibility. This doesn’t mean the two are completely alike, rather the stress is on a strong common ground. Your life values, career goals, and priorities ought to be compatible for a fulfilling, lasting relationship.

10. Mutual respect.

Respect for each other is the foundation of all relationships, and certainly is in a couple’s relationship. There is no way you can build a lasting, secure relationship without this.