20 SHAMEFUL SINGLE-GIRL BEHAVIORS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The New York Times discovered that single people do really quirky crap when they live alone. Stuff they’d be to embarrassed to do if anyone were watching. But no one is watching. So no one is judging. This allows Shameful Secret Single Behavior to fester and grow and become less appalling to the singleton as the years roll by. We can’tbelieve this. As single ladies, who have lived alone for long stretches of time, we are absolutely and thoroughly shocked to hear this. We have never done anything weird, all alone in our apartments while no one was watching, like sing Michael Jackson songs to our plants or strut around in a uniform of dirty hospital scrubs tucked into fuzzy socks. We jest. In fact, we feel fairly confident that we are the Queens of Single Quirk. But we’re not ashamed. No we are not. We’re proud, dammit. Here are our single behavior confessions.
1. Playing Tetris on the iPhone while watching The Real Housewives on TV
Obviously, this is about conflict resolution. The Real Housewives marathon is the conflict. The Tetris marathon is the resolution.
2. Making salad in a giant wooden bowl and using the bowl both for prep and eating to avoid washing an extra dish
It might look stupid. But the two minutes saved on washing extra dishes is worth it.
3. Rinsing dishes instead of using actual soap
Speaking of dish doing… soap is overrated when you’re the only person who uses your dishes. Bask in your own germs.
4. Same for hand washing after using the bathroom. Waste of hand soap!
5. Eating straight out of the fridge or in bed with the laptop
If you’ve recently wiped down your regular eating area, it’s dumb to get it dirty by taking yet another meal there… alone. Skip the kitchen and go straight from fridge to bed.
6. Drinking straight from the bottle
Drink Diet Coke straight from the plastic liter. Wine straight from the bottle. Milk straight from the carton.
7. Smushing the trash down further, to fit more garbage in, instead of taking it out
It doesn’t matter if your apartment smells like rotting spinach if you’re the only one who has to smell it. A candle or some room spray will cover that shit right up and you’ll live another day without having to go down four flights of stairs to the dumpster.
8. Spilling something on the counter and brushing it onto the floor
Coffee grinds, cereal crumbs, pistachio shells, all of it belongs on the kitchen floor where it blends into the ugly linoleum and gets stuck to the bottom of your fuzzy socks.
9. Wearing the same pair of socks multiple times
And even if the bottoms of those fuzzy socks are covered in coffee grounds, you can put off washing them for a while. A long while.
10. Using a towel for a really long time without washing it
Same goes for that face towel you’ve been using in the bathroom. You can flip it up to four times before every surface is covered in your mascara.
11. Boogers don’t really need to go in tissues
Boogers also can be wiped on walls, under beds, in the carpet. Boogers also like to be flicked. But don’t eat boogers. That’s truly gross.
12. Waiting to buy TP…
Until you’ve used every scrap of paper towel and napkin in the house. Boogers especially don’t go in tissues if you’ve been putting off your toilet paper run for a while. Because tissues are the same as toilet paper. Duh.
13. Leaving clumps of hair in the hairbrush
As long at the bristles still run through your hair, you’re in business, Betty.
14. Taking a hell of a lot longer to wash period blood stained sheets than we care to admit
But, what the hell? We’re admitting it now. There is something comforting about sleeping in one’s own period stain. Reminds you that you’re still fertile, even if no one is “tapping that.”
15. Eating potato chips and onion dip for dinner
Tastes better if eaten at the fridge or in the bed with the laptop. We recommend following that up with pretzels dipped in peanut butter and Nutella for dessert. An entire meal without dishes!
16. Sleeping with a teddy bear
His name is Ralph. So what?
17. Cupping our bare breasts or vagina while watching TV
It just feels right.
18. Eating two dinners because the first one wasn’t very good so it didn’t really count
This will be highly unlikely if you ate potato chips and onion dip for dinner. That shit is satisfying.
19. Taking MySpace-style self portraits in the bathroom mirror
It’s important to commemorate these special single moments. Like celebrating an entire day of not using dishes or utensils. Or beating your own Tetris high score while watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion special.
20. Listening to the same song on loop for five to six days in a row
And it doesn’t matter if it’s something uncool like Soul II Soul’s “Back to Life.” Your plants won’t mind one bit.