Knowing what she wants in bed needn’t be a stab in the dark (or elsewhere). Our lust list will improve your performance, instantly
When the University of Indiana compiled one of the largest sex studies of the last 20 years, 85% of men said their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex. Well done, chaps.
The problem is that in the same survey only 64% of women reportedactually having that orgasm. Maybe it’s the stress we’re all under. Or maybe it’s that, even now, honest conversations about sex can still feel awkward and embarrassing.
So to iron out this discrepancy, and ensure that sex is both mutually mind-blowing and something that she demands more of, we present the best women-and science-backed techniques to up your game, from new ways to seduce her to positions that will help you last longer. Skip Fifty Shades… What follows is a far more satisfying bedtime read.
1: The right kind of sex text
While most dirty texts have all the sensuality of a dry-hump, a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that there is a way you can make them work. Text her about the last time she initiated sex. Remind her what she did, what she was wearing, how she smelled – and how much you loved it all. The study found that approving of her advances in this way increases the chances of a repeat performance the next time you see her.
2: Catch her post-shower
“While no woman wants to be seduced while she’s loading the dishwasher, don’t underestimate the impact of the element of surprise,” says Playboy TV director Katie K. “If sex has become a bit routine lately, grab her when she’s coming out of the shower. Pin her to the wall and kiss her like you can’t contain yourself. A surprise quickie always leaves a girl wanting more.” For bonus points, the warm water will have made her skin more sensitive, too.
3: Try some handy work
“Seventy-five percent of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm,” says sex coach Joanna Benfield. “Although sex with her on top is good because it lets her control how she rubs against you, it’s actually more effective to use any position plus your hands.” Benfield’s recommendation is this: ask your partner to lie face-down, then enter her from behind. Now slip your hand underneath her for extra stimulation. Satisfaction, we assure you, is guaranteed.
4: Make her see herself differently
Kiss her neck while she’s standing in front of a mirror and undress her slowly. Research from McGill University found that women respond to sexual imagery in the exact way men do. Watching herself will turn her on even more – this is, naturally, better than anything on YouPorn.
5: Seduce her with music
Play tracks with explicit lyrics, such as S&M by Rihanna. Research published by the American Psychological Association found that such music makes her more attuned to your sex appeal. (Note: this technique may lack subtlety on a first date.)
6: Leave her a reminder
If the sex has become predictable, spray your bedsheets with the aftershave you wore when you first started dating to subconsciously remind her of your early hedonism. Research in the journal Cognition and Emotion found that smells trigger more vivid and evocative memories – ones she’ll want to recreate.
7: Rethink the g-‘spot’
“It’s hardly a spot,” says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner. “Instead, stimulate the whole area.” Curl your hand into a ‘C’ shape, with your thumb at the bottom, and use that to enter, says sex coach Uta Demontis. Once inside, apply pressure for 1-2sec, then release, and repeat in a rocking motion. Unlike the clitoris, which prefers rubbing, the G-spot likes direct pressure.
8: Ask once if she’s enjoying it
Once. “Any more and you sound insecure,” says psychologist Dr Massimo Stocchi. Bumbling only worked for Hugh Grant. In 1999.
9: Use the side of your tongue
“Or the underside, during oral sex: this is more stimulating,” says Emily Dubberley, founder of women’s sex site cliterati.co.uk.
10: Follow the rule of 10
Thankfully, we’re not talking inches here – it’s about maximising your impact. The first 1-2cm of her vagina are the most sensitive. Give them your full attention with nine shallow thrusts, followed by one deep thrust, says Demontis.
11: It takes two
Sex researcher Prof Juliet Richters found that over half of women have told their partners to stop manual or oral stimulation because it was taking too long. To speed up proceedings, use your middle and index fingers inside her, while alternating between your thumb and tongue on her clitoris.
12: Sleep face-down
And encourage her to as well. A study in the journal Dreaming found that people who sleep stomach-down with their arms above their heads are more likely to have sexual dreams – increasing your chance of being woken up for a 3am encore.
13: Think beyond the thrust
On average, men thrust for about 3-7min before it’s game over. However, research shows this isn’t enough time to arouse most women. Stretch out your performance with clever positioning: “Thrust towards her G-spot,” says Stocchi. “Press your body down, not towards her. The motion squeezes your urethra, which helps to delay ejaculation.”
14: Cover all angles
Licking only up and down won’t cut it. “Move over the clitoris from left to right and in circles,” says Demontis. “The nerve endings aren’t evenly distributed, so the more angles you cover, the better.”
15: Focus your attention
Unlike men, women can lose an orgasm even as it’s happening. When it starts, keep doing exactly what you’re doing. The one exception to the don’t-move rule is when she moves during oral sex. “In this case, she’s adjusting her body to where your touch feels most explosive,” says Demontis. Let her be your guide. Just play with what’s in front of you (so to speak) and you can’t go wrong.
16: Mix it up
Research conducted by Indiana University found that mixing four or five different sex acts into one session dramatically increases her chance of reaching orgasm. Start with dirty talk, before stimulating her orally and manually. Use at least one position that involves full eye contact and one with clitoral stimulation, say Demontis. Make the missionary position more interesting by asking her to bring her legs together after you’ve entered to increase friction. No chafing, we promise.
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